Blow Job Etiquette for Men, From Women..

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not
standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow
5. My ears are NOT handles
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"-get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex
right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with
my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell
me I've just "wrecked it" for you
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be
repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that
we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to
either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up, does not mean I have to
"kiss it good morning."