Flaming Gerbil..

Flaming projectile gerbil--Actual article from the LA Times
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his
homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a
cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he
explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might
attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his
face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY

11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.

10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently?
(Or, at least they have done this more than once).

9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the
sun.

8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot
out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their
rectums.

5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does
one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of
a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face
of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic
men who shove rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made
up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking
into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I
admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine
looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we
have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...